Warning: Rant post on the eve of cruel May
Ah well, ok, ‘on the eve of the V-day this Feb’ if you please…
The more these other girls try to chat this natty man up, the madder he gets. Not about them. At them. They remind him of her. Of course, she is not at all like these other people. She is SHE: different.
Their presence underlines her absence so intensely that he loses it completely and explodes.
Flaming words of sarcasm fly burning holes into goodwill. Only at unguarded, perhaps alcohol drenched, moments. People driven up steep walls lose it too and open fire. He gets back as good as he ‘gives’ – so he broods about it less now. But still. He can’t help realizing how UNFAIR this senseless mardon ka world is. For, what she can do, he cannot? He COULD not –
Aye, Masakalli Masakalli/ Ud matakalli matakalli /Zara pankh jhatak gayi Dhool atak aur lachak machak kar Ud Masakalli…kar le puri dil ki tamanna
Hawa se jud, ada se ud…Masakalli…
No, that was not – what he would have thought – but then, well, she isn’t a bird –
Udiyo na Dario
Kar mandmani !!
Badiyo na – Mudiyo
Kar nadaanii – bas, tthaan le tu
Jaan le tu – sananana hawa
Masakali matak matak matak – Hawa se Ud, ada se Ud…
He was well aware that she wished he had said that : especially, that part about “kar le naadaanii, Jaan le tu – sananana Hawa”.
BUT – was this – could this really be the GREAT BIG cause that drove him away? Her hawa se judna ? Her little flight over horizons he seems to have walked like the backyard of his own house.
She doesn’t know. She never would know. Ever.
He didn’t either. He thought he did – but he knows if he allowed himself to be honest with himself, he would have to admit that he didn’t KNOW. And also that she scares him. Drives him mad with her unpredictable ways. Of course she is not really unpredictable.
Thoughts of ‘unpredictability’ – it absolves him of some responsibility of what happened. It is easier to overlook his own cruelty to her.
She did ask him enough number of times – as many as was permissible within graceful limits.
Sometimes, in the dead of sleepless nights, he knows, she worries – about how he could be laid up somewhere with a broken arm or a leg – or worse still, cozily ensconced in the arms of some hoori that drives him crazy with “lotsasex” and lovely guile… well, he can’t – he would not deny, it kind of – does nice things for his – well, ego.
He knows that she sometimes stares at a very bad stupid picture that is all of him that remains now – with her, that is. The rest of him is somewhere so bloody far away she can’t even hope to reach him there in her imagination.
He tells himself that she has been up and down this slope so many times already. She knows what it is like. She KNOWS that it would pass. She knows she would finally get away and be free. Till that time there would be licking wounds alone in a hole in that breathless state when every minute is like a year.
He also knows that there would never be forgetting this one. At least, she wouldn’t forget him. And that he would walk the earth wherever she treads. He knows that. But it doesn’t bother him.
Life would be the same – petty – insignificant – one track ram rod straight zooming into each unknown day – bumbling along – for her. For him too. The same as ever.
He knows this is NOT love – only, it could have been. It is just that, for her, he realized with great difficulty that he had been the one she had been looking for all her post millennium year life. That he had been her dream unfulfilled.
PN: Pictures sourced from the Internet copyright with respective owners