my father

I watched my father die in my dream this morning. I experienced his death all over again  – woke up scared, disturbed.

I saw him lying on his side, his face very dark. He was alive at this moment. The way he lay, the way his face looked  made me weep in my dream.  I saw me talking, heard me say, “Why is his face like this, Maa, my father’s face  was so beautiful, how did it become like this?”

He was alive when I spoke. Next minute he was gone. He hadn’t answered.

And then I saw the empty house, my mother changing into a white saree.

It was very vivid. I woke up. Could not think, or do anything. I turned picked up the phone, sms-ed a person I hadn’t thought of in months or met ever.

I sms-ed what I had seen, how I felt. Then came the tears and I found me crying like I just lost him.

I have just shifted to a new house. all my colleagues came to visit me – they said it is such a happy place, please stay here, do not change. and I had a good day at school this morning. am not ill or hungry.

I don’t understand why I saw my father again this way. I didn’t know dreams could be a “all-five-senses” experience. Wish I could do something to reach out.

I don’t really know why I wrote reach out. I know my father is just not there anymore. Maybe my mind is debilitating, disintegrating. I am aging, or going mad.

At school this morning I had said the more we know about our past, our heritage, legacy, the history of how conflicts were resolved, the more we know about how we became who we are today, the stronger we become, the easier it would be for our children to cope with forces that mangle their tender, clean trusting minds later.

I am not thinking of, but  living experiences, trying to connect with people that are just not there. Things inside my mind are probably coming apart. Life is slipping away I think.

I cannot sleep anymore.

It never hurt so very much to see the night end And watch the morning seep in through the chinks in the doors aand ventillators. And I do not wish to understand or rationalize, pretend to be allright, or normal – right now it seems dirty, ugly, unclean and dishonest and unbecoming of my father’s daughter to be so.

6 thoughts on “my father

  1. Please don’t get upset by vivid, disturbing dreams! I get them very often and have learned neither to ignore them nor let them upset me.

    Keep sharing and talking with your closest friends and you will be fine. Finding balance is elusive but is one of the best things that can happen to you. Remember that you’re not alone. Peace and best of luck.

  2. I get too many vivid dreams and used to wake up sweaty and worried for days. I still get about one death dream a week, but somehow I don’t feel it. Wish you strength, I don’t think its wise to over invest thinking about dreams.

  3. I still remember talking to my mother for getting a worst dream about her.
    She replied back saying, Dreams are not true, more you love a person, worst the dream might get. But only thing happens is you get up praying for long life of that person. And person leaves longer than he himself wish for.

  4. I think you’re reading too much into your dream. I don’t believe it’s a sign that anything is wrong with you. I think your mind and heart are simply trying to rationalize some unresolved issues. Maybe you just miss him.

  5. Trisha I’m so sorry I didnt come here sooner to read this post that you requested of me…just saw your comment on my blog today. Having read your post, I dont know what to say….it’s the saddest piece I’ve read in quite a while. My heart reaches out to you. *hug*

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