It asks so many questions of me. Why did you not take me there? Why did you let me down? Why did you not keep your promise to me? Why did you not save me from that blow? Why did you leave me alone in the storm? Why did you forget to bring me home? Why do you always try to keep me out of everything? Do you hate me? Don’t you love me? Do you want me? Can you live without me? Will you stop talking to me?
Well, no! I can’t. I can’t live without you. I can never stop talking to you. I need you, to stay alive. Without you the world would be such a drab, colourless place. I shudder even to think of it. Everything would be so prosaic – like the strict drawing teacher in class III wanted it to be: all the trees green, the sky always blue, the streets straight, no not that, that’s green, it has to stay down, blue goes up and nooooo, you mustn’t colour your sky red and leaves cannot be violet or orange! You are being naughty this morning, child?
Nope, the morning was rolling down the hills across the street casting shadows in the throw ball court downstairs. Mrs Salma is absent today, so no poetry and no games but since Mother Provincial is about to visit, there would be music this afternoon. Great! Showers of Blessing, showers of blessing we need, Mercy drops round us are falling, but for the showers we plead. Sister Alice’s fingers seem to fly over the piano keys making her think of butterflies. Turn around, look! O the swings. Swinging with the mountain breeze. So light and inviting, so lovely, drenched in the winter sunshine!
She made a run for it….she had made a run for it…
I had promised the child. So I brought her to the land of swings.
I had promised her a ride on a real roller-coaster, a trip across the wavy plains of the deserts and many more things. For every promise I fulfill for her, she gifts me with an additional day in the present. Adding to my salad days. She gives me a reason to smile, to forgive, to laugh at mistakes, to go on – to just keep going on – because she is intensely curious – she is forever asking what is around the bend. She is never tired.
I get tired though. I am tired.
So I wrote this for her. To remind myself that she doesn’t have anyone but me to take care of her. Talk to her or walk with her. That I am responsible for her. She has waited for years so I would grow up and then take her out. I have this strange tryst with her. I guess I must try and not fail her.
I love her. But I do feel tired. I wish for once she would grow up and stop asking questions or looking up to me. But not leave me alone 🙂