If I can call this seasonal

Ok this is where I had said, I would be watching myself “at it” and this is my journal, so if you think this is “intellectual/emotional masturbating” please go away and come back when the weather clears?  If you are a friend, am sure you are going to see the fun-part and have a good laugh anyway and you would know am doing the same too, myself, even as I cope with it all…

One of the absurdly redeeming aspects of a horrible event happening in your life is that you are in front of the mirror once again and ask that khandani existential question yet again: who AM I?  O why?  You take a good hard look at yourself. It’s Stock-taking moment – STM.

Breaking up with a man you love dearly is one such (unpleasant) event that turns you in –  inwards. Of course, you re-orient and move on. But before that is the phase where you plunge in, go underground to explore the hidden depths of your being, ostensibly looking for the source of that well spring that restores : faith, sanity, well being…

And it is at this time you are wide open – to all kinds of ideas – ideas you believed in and ones that you never even thought of before. In the effort to re-establish balance, to find equilibrium, you go through that strange but wonderful flux-n-quest that takes you through such a varied and colourful experience it feels like you are riding the Kaleidoscope instead of just eyeing it! 🙂

Dregs that were churned up : 1) letters from friends which cant be produced here, 

2) tarot card reading of who I am:


You are The Lovers(!)

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE.. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can’t understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. PS – This I come to find and read on the very day I lose my love. 🙂

Dregs that were churned up: 3)  a quiz showing what flower I am: 🙂

 I am a

What Flower
Are You?


” You have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party. You don’t need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard” it says at the site.

Dregs that were churned up: 4) a favourite line : “….Life remains a blessing though you  cannot bless…” from who else but the great Bard of England.

Dregs that were churned up: 5) Another favourite –  a poem by May sarton

 “If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strong root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure – if I can let you go.

Well, what do I now? Miss dinner. Spontaneous fasting. And then sweet slumber till another day dawns and the sun shines. Wait, let the tide roll, and time flow and just carry on…….

wish – 2live

Someday soon, I want to be able to walk right up to some man I admire and say to him, “Shudhi, bless me with a child!”

I should be free to marry when I will. At age fifty-two, if that is when I find a man I wish to serve and share and spend my whole life with. Didn’t mention love here because that is obvious. You dont want to serve people you do not love, do you? Well I don’t.

I should be free to marry who I will.

I should be free to use my womb as I will and should not be forced into an arranged marriage with a gay man just because they think he has to be hidden under ‘cover’ of a ‘normal’ marriage, and then together with him, suffer the ignominy of either being unloved or be a ‘divorcee’ for no fault of ours.

Someday soon I should be able to enjoy all the individual rights my predecessors had thousands of years ago, as I am as competent, as intelligent, as sensitive and in every way as capable as any of them. And also because I live in times that we are made to believe have ‘progressed’…

If Kunti could have had IVF babies from four different able men she had chosen herself, if Madri could have had two, living in the twenty first century, I should be able to have atleast one from the man I want it from?

I harbour such dreams because I am true to the culture and ethos of my country, I have the courage and conviction to nurture such a wish especially since I am an Indian? But I rue the fact that my dreams would continue to be dreams for another – well, how many fifty years still, till we are really freed?

If you care to know more, please refer to the great Indian novel, The Mahabharata, our myths and legends and you would see what I mean. (to post links later)

Sarahan Visited

s.jpg The first time I saw it this way on the net.

bhimkali-temple.jpg This is the way it was before the King, who is also the CM of the State of Himachal Pradesh had the jungle cleared to restore the view of the temple and planted an apple orchard in the courtyard

My first view of the temple from the HTDC Srikhand Hotel

This is what I call the definitive view of the famous Sarahan Temple :the centuries old Bhimakali Temple built in the Indo – Tibetan style, for goddess Durga.

The main temple showing one of the twin towers that tilted during the devastating earthquake of 1905.

The inherent elasticity of the interlocked wooden beams encasing Ashlars worked stone structure prevented major damage and a later earthquake straightened the plumb to an extent.

The temple complex is almost an acre, includes buildings, courtyards and this is the royal palace.

This is the main entrance.

In Hindu myths Sarahan is known as Shonitpur and there are beautiful legends about this little hamlet dating back from the vedic era, nestled in the foot of the Srikhand Peak (the peculiarity of this Himalayan peak is, it is the only one, whose tip remains uncovered with snow).

One tale is about a war between Lord Krishna and Banasura, one of Prahlad’s hundred sons, on account of Banasura’s daughter, Usha’s love for Krishna’s son Aniruddha. Krishna defeated him but later returned Bushair as dowry for Usha. Sarahan is in Bushahr of Rampur district of Himachal Pradesh.

Another tale is of how a bengali devotee called Bhimagiri, set out from Bengal with a staff, on pilgrimmage, at Sarahan his staff sank deep into the soil. When he looked he found buried there was Bhimakali’s image. She appeared to him in a dream and said this was her home and this is where she would live. So the temple came into being.

sarahan Lovely Kinnauri girls who had befriended me. Legend has it that Kinnaur-Kinnauris epitomising beauty adorned Indra’s court in heaven!

Sarahan is the base for some of Himachal’s finest treks to Badahal, Sangla and Shrikhand Peak. The treks are however open only between April and June and September-October.

f1000015.jpg From the circuit house compound which was under construction when I visited in April 2006, you get this view of the HTDC run Srikhand hotel (with green roofs), built like the temple itself. You get typical Himachali warm reception here, and all the other 3star(?!) comforts such places provide at 7150 feet (“well used and basic” as one traveller* remarked), the most important and useful of which, for a lonely trekker, is perhaps security, hot water, made to order dinner and electricity in the room.


The road leading up from the circuit house and  lined with these straight tall beautiful himalayan juniper

leads to the Apiary housing the world’s most colourful bird – the western Tragopan, which seemed even more beautiful than a peacock to me.

The Nathpa-Jhakri Dam here feeds hydel power to the entire northern grid and it’s amzing to listen to the stories from the resident engineer about how electric lines were laid in the mountains. The CPWD quarters look nice too from the bus/car while entering the village. I couldn’t stick the picture here as I lost it. Sorry 🙂

Sarahan is 177 km and six hours drive from Shimla on the NH22 upto Jeori thereafter bifurcating to Sarahan with the other road leading to Rekong Peo. From infront of the HTDC office near Mandi House in New Delhi, a Volvo service leaves at 7 p.m. daily and reaches Shimla via Chandigarh at 4 a.m. The bus to Jeori starts at 5 a.m. reaches Sarahan at 11 a.m.

*http://www.travelpod.com/travel-blog-entries/meandher/transplanet_1/1119691380/tpod.html (blog name Twin Tower, dtd 2007)

http://blogs.bootsnall.com/BabeInTheWoods/sarahan-7-lights-switches-equals-one-bang-plus-photo-link.html#more-45 (for ‘hiccup’ experiences – 2give u an idea of what to watch out for)

http://yashasvi2001.sulekha.com/blog/post/2007/11/touching-the-horizons-chitkul-sangla.htm (for ITBP passes from Sarahan for further forays towards the I/Tibet border)

Pictures were taken by the author except the Juniper Trees and the old view that are netscavenged material.



“…while the distinction between blogger and journalist (if it ever really existed) has slowly dissolved, all the infrastructure around recognizing who a journalist is — from press credentials to legal protections has changed very little. So whether I really am a blogger, a journalist or a blogger/journalist might not matter to me, but it will matter when I’m trying to get a press pass or if a judge wants to ferret out my anonymous sources.

What do you think? Does it matter what my identity is, or how people view me? If you’re a blogger/journalist, how do you deal with these issues? Share your thoughts in the comments below.”

Mark Glaser of MediaShift/PBS examines the issue in this manner.

Greg Hankins, editor of Sevenlakestimes of Carolina, US said : Folk who decide to keep a diary — or contemplate their navel — on the web may be journalists, but they aren’t reporters and what they write is not news. Folk who write the news, whatever their medium, are reporters.

By Greg’s definition am a journalist, a web-logger who keeps an online log of stuff that is important to me. To answer the question Mark raised, I feel that the author’s identity as writer does link with ‘how he/she sources information’ and as such important to me, as reader.

As for how people ‘view’ an author, that matters too if am a new reader, a history of credibility reassures me.

The question of earning and keeping the reader’s trust ought to be an important concern, when am the writer. I  agree with Edward Itor’s view there:…since we are anonymous, we have to take great care that the information that we present is accurate, and if we do interject our opinions, we try to do so in a way that our readers can easily tell our opinions from our facts.