Ok this is where I had said, I would be watching myself “at it” and this is my journal, so if you think this is “intellectual/emotional masturbating” please go away and come back when the weather clears? If you are a friend, am sure you are going to see the fun-part and have a good laugh anyway and you would know am doing the same too, myself, even as I cope with it all…
One of the absurdly redeeming aspects of a horrible event happening in your life is that you are in front of the mirror once again and ask that khandani existential question yet again: who AM I? O why? You take a good hard look at yourself. It’s Stock-taking moment – STM.
Breaking up with a man you love dearly is one such (unpleasant) event that turns you in – inwards. Of course, you re-orient and move on. But before that is the phase where you plunge in, go underground to explore the hidden depths of your being, ostensibly looking for the source of that well spring that restores : faith, sanity, well being…
And it is at this time you are wide open – to all kinds of ideas – ideas you believed in and ones that you never even thought of before. In the effort to re-establish balance, to find equilibrium, you go through that strange but wonderful flux-n-quest that takes you through such a varied and colourful experience it feels like you are riding the Kaleidoscope instead of just eyeing it! 🙂
Dregs that were churned up : 1) letters from friends which cant be produced here,
2) tarot card reading of who I am:
You are The Lovers(!)
Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.
The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.
Originally, this card was called just LOVE.. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can’t understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. PS – This I come to find and read on the very day I lose my love. 🙂
Dregs that were churned up: 3) a quiz showing what flower I am: 🙂
I am a
” You have a sunny disposition and are normally one of the first to show up for the party. You don’t need too much attention from the host once you get there as you are more than capable of making yourself seen and heard” it says at the site.
Dregs that were churned up: 4) a favourite line : “….Life remains a blessing though you cannot bless…” from who else but the great Bard of England.
Dregs that were churned up: 5) Another favourite – a poem by May sarton
“If I can let you go as trees let go
Their leaves, so casually, one by one;
If I can come to know what they do know,
That fall is the release, the consummation,
Then fear of time and the uncertain fruit
Would not distemper the great lucid skies
This strangest autumn, mellow and acute.
If I can take the dark with open eyes
And call it seasonal, not harsh or strange
(For love itself may need a time of sleep),
And, treelike, stand unmoved before the change,
Lose what I lose to keep what I can keep,
The strong root still alive under the snow,
Love will endure – if I can let you go.
Well, what do I now? Miss dinner. Spontaneous fasting. And then sweet slumber till another day dawns and the sun shines. Wait, let the tide roll, and time flow and just carry on…….